Nothing's on TV! ARGH!
by jeti
Summary: Yami no Bakura is home sick watching daytime television. Namely, soap operas and pre-schooler shows. Oh, joy. Rated for LANGUAGE and LOTS OF IT.


jeti: have you ever been home sick, only to discover that the only thing on TV is soap operas, Court TV, and shows for pre-schoolers? Well, if you havn't, consider yourself LUCKY. LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY. I was once homw sick from school for an entire week with nothing to amuse myself with but Dora the Explorer, curse her. It drove me INSANE Oo;;;  
  
So, here's a little fiction I wrote based on those horrible, traumitising experiences. LOTS of cursing because it's Yami no Bakura.  
  
By the way, anything in ~'s is what's being said on the TV. Just to not cause any confusion. Whoever's saying it will be in parenthesis AFTER the phrase.  
  
Anything in "'s is bakura. Yeah, he's talking to the TV. Shut up.  
  
Disclaimer: you're kidding, right? last time I checked, I didn't own Yu-Gi-Oh, and I can tell you right now: I AIN'T gonna own it anytime soon. I don't own any Soap Operas, nor do I own the Powerpuff Girls (Blarney the Sea Serpant), Dora the Explorer (EVIL! SHE IS PURE EVIL, I TELL YOU!), People's Court, Between the Lions (the clam song. they actually put it on the show, I am sooo not kiding Oo;;;), Blues Clues (*shudder*), WonderBalls, Push Pops, Mr. Rogers or the Goldfish Jingle. If you sue me, you won't get any money, ya hear?  
  
~~~~~  
  
Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit. Why the hell am_ I_ the one who always gets sick? Isn't _Ryou_ the 'sickly' one? The weakling? How is it that _I_ am always the one stuck in the damned house with a fever!?  
  
The gods must not like me.  
  
And no only that, but there's nothing to eat in the WHOLE DAMNED HOUSE! WHY THE HELL DOESN'T RYOU EAT ANYTHING INSTANT!? WHY DOESN'T HE SHOW ME HOW TO USE THE DAMN MICROWAVE!? WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO STARVE WHILE HE GOES TO HIS DAMN SCHOOL!?  
  
At least he showed me how to work the TV this time. I guess he didn't want me to get _bored_ again and start torturing the neighbors' cat...  
  
Hey, it's not MY fault the damned thing doesn't like to be picked up by it's tail!  
  
Hn... TV... *click*  
  
~Oh Martha...~ (John)  
  
~Oh John...~ (Martha)  
  
~Oh Martha...~ (John)  
  
~Oh John...~ (Martha)  
  
~Oh Martha...~ (John)  
  
~Oh John...~ (Martha)  
  
~Martha!~ (John)  
  
~John!~ (Martha)  
  
~Martha!~ (John)  
  
~John!~ (Martha)  
  
Damn soap operas. Whoever writes those things should be sent to the Shadow Realm... And have thier blood drained out... mm... blood...  
  
*click*  
  
~Hello kids! It's your old friend, Blarney the Sea Serpant!~ (Blarney)  
  
"..."  
  
~Today we're going to sing a song. Do you want to sing a song?~ (Blarney)  
  
"Hell no."  
  
~Good!~ (Blarney)  
  
"..."  
  
~If I were a bunny I'd...~ (Blarney)  
  
"..."  
  
~HOP HOP HOP!~ (Blarney)  
  
"WHY THE HELL IS THAT THING SCREAMING!?"  
  
~If I were a knife I'd...~ (Blarney)  
  
"...stab?"  
  
~STAB STAB STAB!~ (Blarney)  
  
"..."  
  
~If I were a pyro I'd...~ (Blarney)  
  
"... this is kid's programming!?"  
  
~BURN BURN BURN!~ (Blarney)  
  
"..."  
  
~If I were-~  
  
If I were a Network Censor I'd CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL! ... heh, cancel. Funny.  
  
*click*  
  
~If you see Swiper, you hafta say 'Swiper no Swiping!' Swiper is a thief, and if we don't say 'Swiper no Swiping!' he will steal our cake!~ (Dora)  
  
"Thief?"  
  
~Swiper! It's Swiper!~ (Kids)  
  
~Swiper? Where?~ (Boots)  
  
~Right there! Right behind you!~ (Kids)  
  
~I don't see him...~ (Dora)  
  
~THERE!~ (Kids)  
  
~Aha! Now I've got your cake! I'll throw it in the woods!~ (Swiper)  
  
~Oh no!~ (Dora)  
  
"He threw the damn cake in THE WOODS!? THE THING IS TWO FEET AWAY FROM HER!"  
  
~Oh no! Swiper has thrown my cake into the woods! I will never be able to find it now! Will YOU help me fine the cake?~ (Dora)  
  
"Hell no."  
  
~Gracias! That's spanish for 'Thank you'! Now, the cake is ROUND and PINK. Do you see anything ROUND and PINK?~ (Dora)  
  
"The cake."  
  
~Is this PINK? *points to a pink kite*~ (Dora)  
  
"..."  
  
~Yes! It is PINK! Is it ROUND?~ (Dora)  
  
"Aw, fuck this."  
  
*click*  
  
~We, the Jury, find the defendent innocent of murder, but have ruled that the defendent is guilty of attempted manslaughter in the third degree, therefore responsile for the death of the late Sarah Brown, who had been-~ (Jury Guy)  
  
*click*  
  
~George...~ (Harriet)  
  
~Harriet...~ (George)  
  
~George...~ (Harriet)  
  
~Harriet...~ (George)  
  
~George...~ (Harriet)  
  
~Harriet...~ (George)  
  
"WHY THE HELL IS THERE NOTHING GOOD ON, DAMMIT!?!?!?"  
  
*click*  
  
~We need the MAP. To get the MAP, all you have to do is say, 'MAP'.~ (Dora)  
  
~Say MAP! Say MAP!~ (Boots)  
  
~MAP! MAP!~ (Dora)  
  
"Shut the hell up!"  
  
~If there's a place you wanna go, I can get you there you know, I'm the Map!~ (Map)  
  
"No shit."  
  
~If there's a place you wanna get, I can get you there I bet, I'm the Map!~ (Map)  
  
"Didn't the damn talking map JUST SAY THAT!?"  
  
~I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map!~ (Map)  
  
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"  
  
~You want to bring the CAKE to the BIRTHDAY PARTY? First, you go ACROSS the RIVER, then OVER the MOUNTAIN, then INTO the HOUSE! Repeat after me: ACROSS the RIVER, OVER the MOUNTAIN, INTO the HOUSE! ACROSS the RIVER, OVER the MOUNTAIN, INTO the HOUSE! RIVER, MOUNTAIN, HOUSE! RIVER, MOUNTAIN, HOUSE!~ (Map)  
  
"Like I didn't hear the THE FIRST DAMN TIME!?!?!?"  
  
~So, where do we go?~ (Dora)  
  
"WHAT THE HELL!? WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO THE MAP, DAMMIT!?~  
  
~How do I get to the birthday Party?~ (Dora)  
  
"First you go ON the TRAIN TRACKS, then you go TO the MORGUE, then you BURN in HELL! TRAIN TRACKS, MORGUE, HELL! TRAIN TRACKS, MORGUE, HELL! DAMN YOU!"  
  
~"RIVER... MOUNTAIN... HOUSE! RIVER... MOUNTAIN... HOUSE! First, we'll go ACROSS the RIVER, then OVER the MOUNTAIN, then INTO the HOUSE!~ (Dora)  
  
"Aw, fuck this. Again."  
  
*click*  
  
~Once upon a time there was a CLAM!~ (narrator-person)  
  
"..."  
  
~It lived on one side of a DAM!~ (narrator-person)  
  
"..."  
  
~But one day the water all WHAM!~ (narrator-person)  
  
"..."  
  
~Because the wrecking company made the wall go BAM!~ (narrator-person)  
  
"..."  
  
~So the clam landed on the ground with a SLAM!~ (narrator-person)  
  
"..."  
  
~And so the clam said...~ (narrator-person)  
  
"... damn?"  
  
~...DANG!~ (narrator-person)  
  
"What the fuck!?!?!?"  
  
*click*  
  
~'Cause me & you & my dog Blue, we can do anything that we wanna do!~ (Steve)  
  
*click*  
  
~Have you ever wondered what's inside a WonderBall?~ (announcer-guy)  
  
~yummy nestle chocolate, with candy shapes inside! Who knows what surprises a WonderBall can hide, Oh I wonder wonder what's in my WonderBall!~ (Jingle people)  
  
"Did they not just SAY what's inside the damn WonderBalls!?"  
  
*click*  
  
~Never pushed a push pop? Where have you been man, Saturn?~ (kid)  
  
"Hell no."  
  
*click*  
  
~It's a beautiful day in the nieghborhood, a wonderful day in the-~ (Mr Rogers)  
  
*click*  
  
~Here's a Jingle for Goldfish!  
  
A new song for Goldfish!  
  
The only snack that smiles back  
  
Until you bite thier heads off!~ (Golfish kids)  
  
"... bite thier heads off...? mmm..."  
  
~You know they're made of real cheese,  
  
Even though they-~ (Goldfish Kids)  
  
"Cheese!? Wha the hell's the point of CHEESE!?"  
  
*click*  
  
~And now, our feature presentation: How to Kill Annoying Pharoahs!~ (Announcer guy)  
  
"... OH YEAH!"  
  
~As everyone knows, the best way to kill annoying Pharoahs is to *bleeeeeeeeeep*~ (Announcer Guy)  
  
"WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?"  
  
~This is a Test. Only a Test. This Test will go on for 3 hours. For details, turn to Channel 13.~  
  
"WHAT THE FUCKETY FUCK!?!?!? THEY BETTER HAVE SOME DAMNED GOOD ANSWERS TO THIS ON CHANNEL THIRTEEN!"  
  
*click*  
  
~So, the whales are dying again?~ (ch 13 lady)  
  
~Yep, that's right! The whales are dying and this is YOUR chance to save them!~ (ch 13 guy)  
  
~Send in $1000 dollars and you'll get this complimentary t-shirt!~ (ch 13 lady)  
  
~So act now, this tele-thon will only go on for 17 hours!~ (ch 13 guy)  
  
~That's right, you have a mere 17 hours to-~ (ch 13 lady)  
  
Needless to say, I punched the TV.  
  
You wouldn't _believe_ how easy to shatter those things are! I'm pretty sure that right now, some creature in the Shadow Realm is going to come upon the remains of that poor TV.  
  
... OK, maybe not poor, but it's definately a TV.  
  
Ryou had BETTER buy a new one whenhe gets home, that show's on again tomorrow... how else am I going to generate ideas on How to Kill Annying Pharoahs!?  
  
Curse the damn Network Producers. This is all thier fault. Who the hell watches any of those damned shows anyway!? ... well, besides me.  
  
"Yami? I'm home!"  
  
"... Ryou?"  
  
"Yami, where are you?"  
  
"...Upstairs?"  
  
"What are you doing up there?"  
  
"Watchin the... uh... wall."  
  
"... huh?"  
  
~~~~~  
  
Well, that was interesting.  
  
zipandel: that was stupid beyond belief.  
  
zip: he cursed too much! ;_; I don't like cursing.  
  
JeurLeMeth: I liked it.  
  
jeti: uh... well anyway, that's it for this story. Don't ask for a sequel or anything (though I can't imagine why people would WANT one Oo;;;) becuase this is a one-shot.  
  
uh... review? flame all you want, I'm a pyro anyway ^_^  
  
zipandel: O_O  
  
zip: ... what's a pyro?  
  
JeurLeMeth: *mutters under breath* f-ckin' idiot. 


End file.
